December 7, 2018

Thoughts

As she lays, she dwell on the bedside,
Why she feels what she felt inside,
Emotions all collide,
Is everything going to be alright?

She turns and look over the frame,
Picture perfect filled with smiles and grin,
Everything now feels like feign,
Is she dwelling in thoughts too much again?

-

It's true that she shouldn't dwell in thoughts and let herself drown. Letting her emotions consume all of her beings. Or maybe she couldn't help it but to think. Her days are filled with it. As if it's haunting and she's stuck in a labyrinth. Or maybe she's just built that way. Or maybe she's thinking all the things (/memories) that's making her stay. Or maybe everything doesn't as she imagined. 

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This happens kalau simpan sendiri. Maklumlah takda life nak bawa diri lari. Coping mechanism berubah ubah seiring menginjak usia. Mungkin sedang fasa quarterly life crisis.  Macam biasa, bukan salah sendiri, cari benda deflect blame. Kali ni mari salahkan fasa umur. 


Sisi

Bukan karangan "Sisi" pertama. 

Aku pernah tulis seperenggan dua kat IGStory pasal sisi manusia ni.
Berbeza beza. Sisi anak, sisi adik/abang/kakak, sisi kekasih, sisi pekerja. Sisi sahabat takkan sama dengan sisi anak. Anak yang baik, mungkin sahabat yang mungkir janji. This is how I view every single person in my life. I've known a person who's such a great friend tapi dia suka fool around masa bercinta and turned out bila dah kahwin, jadi seorang yang sayang keluarga. Sisi bertukar tu ketara beza. 

Aku tak anggap ini perkara hipokrit. Aku tak anggap bila jadi macamni aku terus label manusia, hipokrit. Bercinta dan berkawan pun punya ketara beza hubungan. Sisi kekasih dan sisi sahabat mungkin serupa tapi pasti tak sama. 

Manusia. 
Sisi manusia ni to show how humans are built, are flawed and are influenced by.

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How humans are built

Diciptakan dari tanah, dikembalikan pun ke dalam tanah. Kalau dibancuh air, lama lama jadi keras, direndam terus lembut, kering terus rapuh, disiram dibaja terus subur. Just like how soil can be manipulated in such many different ways, that's how we are built. We humans manipulated ourselves to adapt to different relationships in our lives. We built what we are today, from the core instilled since we're young (manners etc.). Vulnerable mungkin tidak pada semua sekeliling, hanya selected. Kuat mungkin pada mata kasar, sedangkan hati rapuh sembunyi balik senyum. Sisi. Sudut melihat takkan sama.



How humans are flawed

Simply because we are. 

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How humans are influenced by

Obviously ini pun tak sama. Upbringing, sekolah, cara lipat kain, pakai baju apa masa tidur, masing masing berbeza. Habit dan sekeliling. Ada yang turun temurun, ada yang exposure dunia/budaya. That's how different a person to one another. 

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and imagine, how different a person can be with him/herself, before we compare to another.

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Belajar terima.







December 5, 2018

Adulting, Decisions & Relationship

Adulting,

I'll turn 28 in approx. fortnight.

Man, did I tell you adulting is not easy? 

I kept telling myself that it's okay to take easy, cautious steps but everything seems to move around pretty fast to compare. I was expecting easy pace. And right now I'm feeling like I'm falling behind. It was just yesterday I turned 24. It was just yesterday I met someone. It was just yesterday I cried. It was just yesterday.

I don't how everyone else are coping, and I wonder how did my parents did it and they had my eldest brother and my late sister when they were my age.

Time sure flies.

I was in an interview session earlier when the interviewer had said something related to what I was just talking about on my instastory the previous day. 

"You're an adult, I should give you a length of trust and as an adult you should probably be mature enough not to abuse it,"

I couldn't agree more.

And when she emphasised the adult word, I just realised that I'm no longer 18.

I'm at a point where I'm putting a full trust on myself to do things that I've dreamt about since I was 18, and at the same time taking on the opportunity to grow myself in career wise. Full trust in a sense that I'd put my foot down and actually execute the plans. Anyone dear to my heart knows me enough that I'm a procrastinator. 

And if I fail, I failed. It's important for me to try, first and foremost, right?

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Decisions,

An ex colleague has been sharing with me some stuffs since I'm currently looking for new opportunities myself. While it's nice to get someone you can share and relate, you too, are exposed to doubts and hesitations. There's this one question from her that made me think if I'm making a right decision to resign and go somewhere new. I haven't tender anything yet, it's just a plan.

I'm the type that relies a lot on my guts. Even in the last minutes, I'd cancel whatever it is that's planned (and I felt good before) the minute my guts turn sour. 

While a procrastinator I am mostly, I'd jump into decisions just point blank without much thoughts due to my guts, pretty much often. Whatever regrets later on I take it as a lesson. 

Mungkin sebab ini buat aku degil. Sebab aku selalu percaya gerak hati. Jadi susah nak terima alasan/pendapat orang lain walaupun my guts can be wrong and orang lain can be right.

Tapi soalan tu sebenarnya buat aku hesitate balik dengan diri sendiri.

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Relationship,

Lost.
Recalculating.

When I fell, I fell hard.
Bailing is the last thing I'd do. 

Takboleh ke relationship ni macam cerita fairy tale? Jumpa sehari lepas tu confirmed hidup happily ever after?
Dah tua ni penatlah. Penat