two thousand and fifteen

It has been awhile!

I'm indeed, still alive and kicking.

Alhamdulillah, managed to complete my studies, despite all the drama I've been through last semester with studios and everything. Even the result couldn't make me happier.

Am not rushing to make myself sitting behind a desk, the 9-5 routine, even haven't start working on my portfolio yet. I've been busy. Sleeping. No, not really. Just kidding. I went straight home to Perlis after submitting my hardcover thesis to my coordinator, (bless you Doc Mat, for the marks you gave me despite the lousy student I was when you first met me), for my MUET exams and stayed for a fortnight. I've rarely been home since I started spending my sem's break working part-time. So, I took some time off, just to be with family especially for Mak. 

Between friends' weddings, eating, planning my future, we've (I live with my elder brother since I moved to Shah Alam five years ago) moved ourselves into new home, from Kristal in seksyen 7, to Setia Alam. I literally can walk to Setia City Mall, it is so near. So after MUET, I was busy moving, sleeping (I'm a Snorlax, what can I do? And I think I have a Jigglypuff trailing me from behind because I woke up with panda eyes every day now. Hmm.....) and driving back and forth to places. I guess, I'll just have to squeeze in some time to redo my portfolio works.

So far 2015 has been treating me nicely, I couldn't ask for more, Had an awesome birthday treat last December. Life has been such a bless. A bit short on money, but I've something in mind for that. Besides, Mak definitely wont let me starve to death I am sure!

I think I have to start exercising, getting myself physically fit. It has been years since I truly exercise. Starting with jogging, perhaps badminton dates, find myself a climbing partner or hiking. I have to! I need to! This body is turning weak already. Couldn't even walk so far without being breathless! Where did the 'fit puteghii' go to? *sigh*

p/s. does anyone actually read this (blog)? hmm. 

Growing Old

We're approaching the end of third semester of 2014 already. 
Wow! Time does fly.

Come to realize I have to face the fact I'm still in school, which I was supposed to graduate a year ago.

Why you ask? Don't ask.

InsyaAllah this will be the end. And after, I will have to really dig into my mind of what I really want to pursue for the rest of my life. I take my steps real slow this time. little steps. No rush. I have some plans. And I hope I can carry out those plans after graduating.

Meanwhile, friends are getting hitched left and right at the moment. Everyone is getting engaged or getting a husband/wife! Phew! Such pressure! Not that I am in rush to join the club, but little by little, I have this feeling, the feel of losing my friends. No more late night lepak sessions where we go nuts eating nasik lemak non stop and talking about "grownup" stuffs and go home by subuh time. No more "lets go" trips and adventure together. 

Tapiiiiii..I'm happy for everyone. Genuinely happy.

Perhaps we cant go all crazy but we can still meet up over some sessions kan~

And most of my closest friends are still not married/engaged yet. But soon they are. Cause every time we meet marriage talks are always the topic.

(Sigh) we're growing old.

I'm growing old.

and I'm not turning 24 til December.
Perhaps this is just me. kan.

Then kenapa mak tiba tiba tanya pasal boyfriend/bila nak kahwin lepas dah setahun lebih tak sentuh topik percintaan? 



p/s. lambat lagi. its been only three months.

Easy Pea-sy, They Say.

Mudahnya.
Mudahnya bila bertanya,

"Eh kenapa (isu)?"

Mudahnya bila persoal,

"Bukan ke hari tu (isu)?"

Let me break this down to you.
I am not you. I don't handle things like you do. 
And I don't feel oblige to answer to you, as if I wanted to.
And this is (sometimes) why I don't tell you things.

Macam mana kau tak suka orang persoalkan banyak tentang keputusan kau, sebab kau sendiri tak boleh nak bagi true reasonings, kau ada sebab sendiri,

macam tu lah aku.

Let me be.
Just be happy for me.
Just pray that I can pull everything together.

Separa aku sedang bahagia.
Separa aku sedang pecah dua.

Soalan 'kenapa' tak relevan pada halwa telinga aku, sekarang.
It's not helping.
It's just you, kepoh-ching.


p/s. Aku sedang cari erti kehidupan aku sendiri. Yang penting ultimate goal aku adalah untuk happy dengan life aku sendiri. Bukan turning a grumpy old lady belakang hari. Dan sekarang, aku tengah rasa jiwa kosong, soul-less. Duit boleh usahakan cari, tapi hati aku, kalau pecah, kalau merajuk, jiwa aku kalau hilang, siapa nak peduli?

Juggle.

Oh hello world!

I've been busy. Really busy.

Been juggling with working as an assistant to somebody *you'll know soon this somebody, she's really talented*, and studies, and family. Teaching has been put on hold until the new school semester starts. Another two months that is. Before life's back to super hectic again.

One of these days, I couldn't even stop and think about life for a sec. Every world I'm living in is very demanding. As much as I've set the priorities in order, but juggling those worlds gives me a new found respect for mothers and those whose been working triple job everyday to make ends meet.

I've lost a lot of weights. Everyone keeps on asking me "Why so thin? Have you eaten?". 

Lately I've been thinking a lot, while stealing time to think in between showers, traffic light stops and while waiting for elevator rides. 

Somehow I have to let go one of those worlds because I have more coming my way, much more expectations that I wouldn't have the heart to disappoint them. But how, how do I let go?

And I've been terribly missing my super bestfriends, perlis and been more lonely than ever.

Do I quit, do I not?
Am I strong enough? Am I not?


I need to choose.
And I've lost the idea of which is which.









p/s. in dire need of problem buyer. a sincere one. with no ulterior motives. just simply, a listener with a caring heart. because I'm a human too.

happy november. 

kecundang kah?

tak tau nak cakap macam mana.

i guess, it's not the time for anything, just yet, perhaps.
ahh.



p/s. boleh doa mintak butang restart kehidupan tak?

sisi.

aku ada tabiat.

eh..hai. kembali menulis. 


semua orang ada tabiat, perangai atau sisi. ada sisi tersembunyi. ada sisi sisi lain pada diri.
aku pun tergolong dalam spesis manusia, jadi tak hairanlah aku pun ada sisi tersembunyi, sisi lain dan tabiat yang menonjol.

antara sisi aku.
yang aku rasa kalau yang kenal aku, boleh nampak sisi sisi ini.

1. aku selalu bertenggek. 

sisi ni, selalunya pada orang merimaskan. too dependent kata orang. ya lah, beruang tak bercakap. aku bukannya tak boleh berdikari, malahan Alhamdulillah, banyak juga perkara aku boleh buat sendiri. tapi sesiapa yang rapat dengan aku, boleh tahu, yang aku memang suka bersama sama. maksudnya, buat everything together. aku tak suka buat benda fun sorang sorang. heck, where's the fun in having fun, alone? ya, manusia perlukan private space and time, aku pun manusia, aku tahulah. just say the word if i am too much, i'll back off. kadang kadang bila aku excited, memang boleh merimaskan. terima kasih yang pernah menegur. aku sedang tak buat dah perkara ni kat orang lain.

2. mengelak.

sejak zaman sekolah lagi, aku ada problem dengan friendships. nasib baik dah tua tua bangka ni masih wujud everlasting friendships dengan kawan sekolah rendah, menengah, plkn, univs. cuma adalah few friendships yang jadi...hanya kenalan. yang pernah rapat, jadi, tak rapat. boleh fahamlah kot. kan? masing masing dah mummayiz kan? ok. ini sisi aku. kalau ada perselisihan faham yang memang susah nak diperbaiki ke (baca : pompuan gaduh gaduh stail main perang dingin, mengata), lepas sesi berbaik baik minta maaf semua, selalunya aku akan buat jurang seluas luas laut atlantik dengan the orther party. especially bila melibatkan trusts and honesty. bila aku rasa aku dah tak boleh nak trust, selalunya aku elak terus. aku tak suka pergi buat baik baik macam takde apa pernah berlaku konon konon dah move on dengan hidup sedangkan berbekas lagi kejadian dalam hidup aku. aku jugak jenis fragile, mudah terasa esp dengan orang yg aku rapat. so, bila aku rasa aku dah tak boleh nak rapat balik, habis sangat aku tegur sekadar berbahasa basi dengan senyum sajalah tengah jalan. kalau nampak kat kedai kedai luar tu, aku akan buat stail "aku, aku. kau, kau". kalau aku boleh tegur kau elok elok bila jumpa kat luar tu, kira aku dah tak terasa la tu. kalau aku buat derk je, memang itu green light utk nak mengata aku la tu. 

sebab aku bila dah decide untuk taknak ambil tahu pasal si polan mana mana, memang aku tak ambil tahu. kalau kau unfollow twitter, aku pun unfollow balik sebab kau nak sangat ruang kau, aku bagi je la. hehe. nak block kat facebook pun, block le aku tak perasan pun. sebab despite aku avoid orang, aku takkan unfollow/block kat social network sites sebab emosi. nak tak nak aku memang kenal kau. cuma aku memang ignore je updates kat kat news feed/timeline.

punya aku hidup dengan dunia aku semester lepas, aku hanya tau benda benda besar, bila keluar dinner dengan studio mates, then bila diorang bukak topik, aku sorang je yang tak tau apa. lantas gosip ditangguh sebab nak fill in aku berita berita basi.

depan orang memang kita boleh bergebang kita tak suka hipokrit, kita tak hipokrit. bullshit. semua orang hipokrit. ini hakikat. belajar. 


3. cepat putus asa.

benda ni berlaku hampir setiap sem. setiap bulan. ada saja benda yang aku give up nak buat. time give up ni disertakan dengan kemalasan panda yang melampau. maka, satu kerja pun tak jalan. sibuk dengan kucing kucing. kalau bab cinta, aku akan pretend nothing happens, move on. padahal hari hari bukak page mamat tu, konon lepas rindu. tengok gambar pun jadilah ye tak? bila dah frust, kalau tak menggemokkan diri, maka aku akan pergi salun potong rambut konon konon feeling rejuvenate. padahal balik rumah lesu macamtu jugak. cuma kalau datang semangat saka rajin aku, haa..time tu, pasti ramai terkesima dengan tenaga kudrat yang ada.


4. cepat turn off.

sebagai seorang yang konon konon perfectionist, ah semua orang mengaku perfectionist, cet, kalau ada orang buat salah sikit, langsung tak terima lantas turn off. ini selalu berlaku. banyak cubaan jodoh yang kecundang sebab withdrawal mengejut dari aku sebab aku dah rasa turn off gila. padahal aku rasa mamat mamat tu punyalah tolerate aspek aspek turn off yang datang dari diri aku sendiri. mungkin tiada jodoh. (cliche). ini boleh consider mengada. tapi, kalau aku betul suka, cinta itu buta. memang flawless langsung mamat tu. biasalah, emosi. kalau ikut emosi, memang lah jadi macamni. kadar toleransi aku pada aku masih di peringkat medium. aku boleh jadi pemaksa jugak. so, mungkin kena belajar ubah medium tu jadi high demi kesejahteraan ibunda yang sering bertanyakan pasal boyfriend kat aku. 




cukuplah 4 sisi tu dulu. nak dedah lebih lebih, jom bercinta. eh.

p/s. sesungguhnya semester ni telah buat aku rasa mcm nak hantar surat berhenti belajar. taktipu. aku tak boleh deal dengan pressure setiap minggu presentasi.

Am I, Am I Not?

Dia rasa tak apa yang aku rasa?

Aku malu nak tanya.

Aku segan nak bersuara.

Takut nanti kecewa.

Takut hati terluka.

Orang kata, cuba.

Maybe I am in denial.

Maybe I am not.

Serahkan pada masa.

Tapi bolehkah aku percaya?

p/s. pada setengah benda, hati aku dah tak ada. mungkin tak cukup hubungan pencipta? atau memang dah terlambat untuk mula semula? I'm on the verge of throwing what I think I loved the most (of many).

p/s 2. yes. I do miss you too, Azhani.

Distance

great collaboration.
glad to be part of this. (i was behind the scene doing my own thing).

Climb.

I've developed an interest in climbing. Wall/Rock climbing.

Its not to the point of being too passionate though, but going out climbing some times keeps me peace and letting me know that I can accomplish something, to begin with.

It all started when Umar introduced me to climbing few months ago.

So, after quite some time and 'words of wisdom', here it is!

I have to admit, I bought these not with my teaching gig's greens, instead, the minute PTPTN came in, I went and caught this! I practically drag Umar, Syarifol and Lee out, making way through traffic all the way to Camp5 in One Utama Damansara for these pair.

We frequently go to Putrajaya Challenge Park, or Camp5 in OU (if our finance is good) when we're in Shah Alam, and Bukit Keteri whenever we're back in Perlis.

I haven't officially wear this to climb yet, since we're all quite busy with our days. Soon, this baby will fly.

p/s. saving up for harness. and head gear.

Garis Garis Putih Awan

Banyak berfikir sejak akhir akhir ni.




Insecurity makin bertapak kukuh.
Hilang usaha makin menguasa.


Taknak.
Mestilah taknak.

Hanya harap dia nampak apa yang aku tengah nampak.
Dia boleh dengar apa yang I've been longing to say.


Perlahan kayuh.
dan harapannya, masih lagi berkayuh.

Jauh.

Studies had been made, stating that if you're starting a relationship, you might lose two of your friends.

Apparently, I'm one of the two.

Quite frankly, tak faham kenapa si teman wanita kena cemburu dengan aku yang tak seberapa. Ya, dulu aku suka dia, tapi dia tolak, dengan alasan aku sebenarnya tak boleh terima. But we're sworn best friends. I have never let anything comes between our friendship. Perasaan aku yang dulu, itu hal aku. Hal aku, aku yang kena kisah. 

Nak bandingkan.

Jauh. Jauh berbeza.

Dan kenapa dia guna alasan yang aku tak terima tu, bila aku tengok kau wahai cik teman wanita, aku faham serta merta.

No matter.

I hope everyone is happy.

I'm still here, just in case.

As a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

If.

I wish,

if it is him, make him close.
in any way he can be close to me.

if it is him, make him smile.
in any way I can make him.

if it is him, make him say.
in any way he wanted, genuinely.

if it is him, make him stay.
every way, every time, forever, don't stray.

if it is him, make us together.

if it is him, make him mine.






i do. i do.
want him, to be mine.

Strangers Will Be Shot.

Tora datang lagi! 
Ahah!

Before continuing the entry,
Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan walaupun tinggal berapa hari ja lagi nak Raya nye pun!
Ah pedulik.

I'm Liyana (read : Puteri), I'm an internet addict.

I'm on Twitter and Facebook round the clock if ever I'm awake. If I stay offline for quite long, trust me, its either sleep, or my Blackberry is out of battery. My parents both seem to not comprehend of this addiction. Boy, they both haven't seen my brothers. I tweet more than they are, but Facebook less.

So earlier tonight, mom came into the room to get some stuff, seeing me smiling while eyes on the laptop's screen. I was replying to some tweets and most tweets were funny. Plus I was watching final episode of my regular Korean drama that I've avidly follow. Therefore, more smiles. I'd smile to myself whenever watching love stories on screen cuz I'm hopeless romantic liddat. Deal with it.

"Hang main apa duk mengadap laptop ja"
"Laa..twitter ja. Takdak apa pun"

As if mom knows what Twitter is. She knows Facebook though since I opened for her, her own Facebook account.

"Ha..ada boyfriend pa. Duk chat ngan boyfriend apa"

She have no idea that I've broke up with Danial months already. Even SIL was shocked to hear. I've made it clear that when it comes to my own personal heart matter ( read : love life ), I'd keep it as quiet as I can. I'm not the type who'd go on Facebook and being mushy mushy there. Save it for the late night pillow talk calls. I only told few about the break ups.

So, I can feel my face was not as smiling as before. It changed almost immediately upon hearing the "Boyfriend" word.

" Mana ada. Internet ja pun"
" Takkan takdak boyfriend? Takkan anak mak ni tak laku kot?"

Mak, senang ja nak tau anak mak ni duk bercinta. Takyah Facebook pun takpa. Tak payah abang Noeh sebok merepot pun takpa. Takpayah mak tanya kat Noremon tengok gambaq kat Facebook. Mak tengok kalau tangan duk melekat kat phone 24/7, duk melepak dalam bilik pintu kunci, tetiba dari selekeh duk bersiap siap bagi berjenis sikit kat rumah tu, yes, then am in relationship. Yang tukang merepot, sebokla merepot, tengok apa jadi?

Back to the story.

" Takdak "
" Betul takdak? "
" Cari la boyfriend sorang satgi jadi anak dara tua. Mak takmau"

Pergh. Terbeban.

" Tak mau. Nak duduk dengan mak! Sampai tua pun duduk dengan mak!"
" Eh takmau aku bela hang sampai tua"

Then mom left the room.

I guess being single for so long after committing into a relationship that I treasured so dearly, turned me into a potato couch when it comes to searching for the one. Along the way ( read : post break up moments ) yes, I've got to know few guys and came to have interest with them. Rejected, being lied to ( read : too good to be true, turned out he's cheating on girlfriend with me), friendzone, whatnots. Danial's case perhaps was a rush decision at the wrong time and we both are better off as friends. I'm not gonna blaming anyone but me in this. I'm too comfortable being on my own. Being able to make own decisions with any commitments to another party except for friends and family.

Yes there are times when I need someone the most.

Nonetheless, am not, never in rush. Friends urging me to have one ( read : significant other ), so that we can go on double dates and have fun talking behind each other's beau behind their backs. Being alone when going out with friends and their boyfriends have become no problem for me. I'd check with each other, the friend and friend's love of life, about me tagging along. If they're fine, then I am. Third wheel ( read : pathetic ). Yeah, I know, tell me bout it. Fran Fine would slapped the back of my head for being such a nuchslep!

I guess mom is worried. She used to have the same worry for Noremon and I'm guessing for myself that I've told myself repeatedly that it is okay to stay as one man show ( read : single ) until I meet someone. Or, later, when I'll be working, by then, I should start to worry.

I avoid having friends to match make me with someone. Its not that I'm not adventurous enough but, trust me, am still having some inferior issues. I can be a pushover. I can be too modest. I can be too naive. I can be loud. Basically, at some point, I can be somewhat a mess. I don't go out ( socialize ) as much as I was back when in high school.

Perhaps, I expect too much from a guy.
Perhaps.

All in all.
If there will be someone, there will be.
Let's just keep on getting to know everyone. Appreciate people more.

Lets just let me finish dealing with degree's thesis paper first.
Am not going anywhere, anyway.






Hi strangers. No, don't worry, I won't shoot you. No, not directly to you.
To your heart, maybe. Who knows?

I'm Liyana ( read : Puteri ).
Nice meeting you.

It feels like

telling something.

I met this one guy back when I was in National Service camp.

During those times, I thought he was one or the dorkiest guys in the camp with the few others. He asked weird questions and he reacted to everything in such weird manner.

We're in the same company, Alpha, and regularly hang out during riadah sessions. Both of us got to know of each other during this one weekend, where I was daydreaming in the middle of padang kawad, not under the hot sun though, of course under shade, he came and we talked. Well, I was there just to accompany both Amira and Addilla on their date with Anuar and Ariff while charging my phone as well.

Until this one weekend, during karaoke night, as I recall it, we suddenly talk bout our taste in music. I listed out mine, and he was taken aback, saying its a rare to find a girl that knows few bands as I did. Just for the record, any credits should go to my brother, Naim as for him who did the googling and what not, I just took his playlist and start off from there on. So, from there I got to know few bands and develop the interests. 

Since then we officially become friends.  Well, before that we're just each other acquaintance. Yeah, acquaintance who regularly hang out on weekends and riadah sessions. HAHAHA.

So we hit it off then.

Admitting to have a small crush on him afterwards, but nonetheless I value our friendship.

After we finished with the National Service, I kept in touch with those who were close. Including him.

Then, this one month, he called me. Saying he got a crush back in his college. And he said he had moved to Penang. Then few months after that, we got contacted with each other and I found out he already broke up with the girl. Quite harsh. And listening how regret he was, poor boy, it must be hard for him to break up with the girl he dearly love so much. 

Then I got into UiTM Perak.

Since his parents relocated momentarily in Perak, so I thought I'd give him a call.

Unfortunately ever since, I've yet to meet him. Time wont let us I guess. HAHA.

He was in a new place, not that far, and trying to get love bug bite again. I told him to find me one, and I would find him one, being each other match maker. 

He found one on his own.

Glad to hear he's happy again with his own Bella.

I've yet to find my Peeta Mellark. HAHAHA

We're still friends. Not that close, but I think I can trust him with anything. He once had said how he trusts me and glad I was there for him at crucial times. 

There's no particular reason of me telling this. 

Just recalling how good our friendship is. 

We may not contacting each other regularly, 

but boy we spill all the dirts of our life everytime we got in touch.

I'm bluffing, NOT ALL. of course. I'm not telling him when does my period cycle and

what under garments I'm wearing. HAHA certainly not those.

But it is nice to know that at least he's willing to listen.

And he knows I'm his regular problem buyer.

Friendships are not something you can toss around and mess it all up.

p/s. told you, it just feels like telling today. nothing more.

p/s lagi. strangers make better friends than the ones you got. sometimes. 

p/s bukan entry. people bitch round the clock. I dont mind. I bitch too. but do it correctly. #randomthoughts.

life and its significance for time being.

Hello everyone. 

Peace upon you.

These past two weeks had been one of active weeks of my life. Some of my days were productive and some, not much of activities but still the mind is getting restless and exhausting.

We're now at the first stage of design process which proposing a site for our final on going project, Boutique Hotel. since the lecturer has fixed what type of building according to groups, long story short, my group (consists of 9 of us) got the old traditional shop houses or in another word, heritage shop houses.

We ended up with the Asian Heritage Row at Jalan Doraisamy Kuala Lumpur. 

Mere three weeks of crics and case studies later, after this schedule of accomodation thingy, we may proceed with our individual proposal of concept and images. I have few things in mind. Hopefully I'm in spirit enough to finish this semester.


Rasanya nak being alone for now. Being by myself.
This semester is somewhat tough. For now I can handle everything, but deep inside it is choking me to death. I need some fresh air.
Perhaps, I need Perlis. I need Perlis real bad. No place can calm me as Perlis does. No matter what happens there, it never fails me.


Lately aku berada dalam persimpangan. Antara mahu menjaga hati ramai pihak dan kemahuan sendiri. Boleh tak aku nak jadi penting diri dan terus dengan kemahuan aku sendiri?


Salahkah aku nak berpendirian macamtu?
Boleh tak aku ignore semua orang for the time being? Even to hold a conversation these days is hard for me without getting someone hurt. Mungkin perangai menyimpan mengumpul perasaan buat koleksi aku ni sebenarnya tak sihat.


Baru baru ni lepak dengan Anis and Hafizi kat Molek, since I want to take my ticket from Anis. Masa tu terdetik penyesalan pilih ID. mungkin sepatutnya aku pilih journalism. mungkin sepatutnya aku stick with diploma and go for degree in something else. Mungkin. Then I walked home from Molek. During the 15minutes walk, I walked quite fast though and without me iPod, banyak benda aku fikir dan rencana. 


How to generate income without having to trouble le parents. I'm not going to shift the blame to anyone but, I admit, I've never actually realise what length had my parents had to go through in order just to keep us survive in our own world without us have to struggle much let alone working our ass off.


Aku anak manja.
Aku mengaku aku jarang susah. 
Aku mengaku most of my stuffs are easily dapat. Even if its barangan turun temurun but still,  aku tak pernah betul betul susah.
Tak ada kereta, abang abang aku yang drive-kan, hantar ambilkan.
Tak ada duit, call parents mintak bank-in kan. takpun mintak sepuluh ringgit kat abang amin.


Tapi aku kenal diri aku.
Aku tau aku ni sangat sangat penyabar. 
Aku tau how hard life is.
Aku tau how much length I can go, how far can I stretch my limit.


Cuma.
Aku jujur.
Aku benci dengan situasi sekarang.


Situasi sekarang mungkin takkan menunduk dengan kehendak aku.
Tapi kalau tanya jujur dengan aku.
Aku memang cakap,
aku tak suka.


Tapi aku kena terima.
Dan aku sedang terima.








p/s. dalam proses untuk tidak mengambil peduli. sebab udara hidup aku dah capai limit yang mana kat mana mana pun aku sesak nak bernafas. bernafas untuk berfikir. bernafas untuk tenaga. sesak.